Sleep, Sex & Relationships
Can sleep improve your relationship?
Did you know that well-slept couples fight less and are more likely to resolve difficult conflicts productively? They also have a stronger desire to be intimate AND their sexual sensitivity is heightened so that intimacy may become more pleasurable.
Sleep plays an important role in regulating hormones, including your stress and reproductive hormones so this tracks.
While there is a significant lack of research on the impact of sleep disorders on reproduction, we do know that women with low quality sleep may have lower rates of fertility than those getting adequate rest.
We also know that sleep deprivation can negatively impact testosterone levels.
A study was done several years back that took healthy young men in their 20s, deprived them of sleep for a week, and then measured their testosterone levels.
What did they find?
Researchers discovered that sleeping about five hours a night for one week temporarily lowered testosterone levels in men by an equivalent of 11 years of aging. 11 years!
The interplay between sleep, sex, intimacy, relationships and hormonal functioning is complex but the budding research out there supports that sleeping well at night can help you in and out of the bedroom in more than one way.
To sleep together or to sleep apart?
Do you need to sleep in the same bed to prove you’re in a healthy relationship?
I always find it interesting that as a society, sleeping apart is still stigmatized and even viewed as a failure in a relationship.
Growing up, my grandparents always slept in different bedrooms but had one of the most loving relationships I’ve ever seen. My grandfather snored like a mother*&$@er and my grandmother knew that sleeping in a bed together was untenable but they were fortunate to have space to separate. My grandmother was also a confident badass and didn’t give a toss what anyone else thought. Despite the fact that he probably should have gotten screened and tested for obstructive sleep apnea (!), this arrangement worked for them.
Do you sleep better or worse with your partner?
Many couples I know feel that their sleep is improved when their partner is sleeping with them.
But what does the research say?
There was a study done a few years ago that tracked couples’ sleep for 10 days while sleeping together and then separated them for 10 days and measured their sleep again.
What did they find?
Objectively, sleep was worse! There were more awakenings and sleep was fragmented. This makes sense. If there’s someone sleeping in your bed, the chances of their movements, sounds and mass disturbing you will be higher. In general, women experience more fragmented sleep and poorer sleep quality, due to a variety of reasons (hormonal differences, higher rates of anxiety and depression, shorter circadian rhythms, gender expectations) so their sleep may be further compromised by a bed partner.
BUT - when they asked the same couples whether they slept better together or apart, the majority of participants said that they thought the quality of their sleep was better when they were in the same bed with their partner.
I love this study because it speaks to the subjective and also social nature of sleep, which is so important. In today’s high tech world, people love assessing their sleep through trackers (which TBH aren’t even entirely objectively accurate) but despite any data that may tell you how long it took you to fall asleep, measure your sleep staging or arousals, an equally important question I ask my clients is “How do YOU feel you slept? And how much energy do you feel you have today?” This is a powerful unit of measurement and in certain cases, having a loved one sleep in the same bed may be the most important factor for them in terms of how they appraise their sleep.
Why some couples sleep apart:
Snoring
Chronotypes
Temperature
Work schedules
Children or pets
Differences in sleep habits (eg. tv, laptop, phone)
Snoring is a big one. But it’s not all about snoring. Some people are morning larks while some are night owls so individual chronotypes may disturb a partner. Shift work may mean that someone has to wake up in the middle of the night to get to work or come home in the early hours, which may also be disruptive to a sleeping partner. Room temperature can play a big role when one likes it hot and the other likes it cool for sleep. Furry critters or small children may sleep in their parents bed and sometimes well, 3’s a crowd! I’m pretty militant about no screens in bed but my husband loves scrolling and streaming later at night and this would drive me crazy if he did it in bed while I’m trying to get some shut eye.
Is a sleep separation feasible and/or mean you’re heading for an actual split?
NO! Not everyone has the luxury to sleep apart or wants to.
Taking a collaborative approach to sleep with your partner
When couples are navigating issues around the bedroom and night time habits, it’s important to work collaboratively and come up with a mutual goal - whether it’s getting more sleep or uninterrupted sleep, achieving greater intimacy, or a quieter sleep environment - whatever it is, get on the same team and work together.
But this can be difficult, especially if one or both of you are sleep deprived. And that’s because sleep balances our mood and our capacity for emotional regulation. When you don’t sleep well, you can become less empathetic so you may not be as sensitive and understand the needs, emotions and intentions of your partner. I know when I’ve had a poor night of sleep, I am way less patient and understanding and far more argumentative with my husband.
-
Find an agreed upon time to bring up conversations regarding your sleep or relationship. This ideally should be at a time where both parties feel well-rested (enough), calm and open to working together.
-
Guide the conversation in a productive manner. So for example, if you have a partner that snores, instead of taking an attack approach (ie. “You’re driving me crazy, I can’t sleep with you making all this noise and I can’t live like this anymore!!), perhaps initiate the conversation from a place of care and concern. Let them know that snoring is not a healthy sleep behaviour and you’re worried that they may not be getting the oxygen they need at night, which may lead to other health complications (eg. high blood pressure, diabetes, cardiovascular problems). Furthermore, explain that YOU not getting enough sleep may contribute to your emotional volatility, which may impact your relationship.
-
Discuss sleep timing and preferences and problem solve how you can optimize sleep in relation to other daily household jobs/tasks/activities. For example, if you’re an early bird and your partner is a night owl, offer to take out the garbage bins in the AM so your partner doesn’t have to get up earlier to do so. If your partner loves to watch TV at night but you want to go to sleep, suggest they try out a pair of wireless headphones so that you won’t be disturbed by the noise.
-
Have conversations about scheduling time for intimacy. I know this sounds like the most un-sexy plan to make but I see people missing out on opportunities for intimacy due to their own internal clocks and preferences for sex. One person is raring to go in the morning and the other one only feels randy later at night. While chronotypes determine when we feel sleepy and alert, they are also tied to the timing of our hormones and when we want to experience sexual pleasure. Being mindful of your partner’s preferences and vice versa and discussing solutions for intimacy will help breed connection.
-
Experiment! Arguing about being tired when you’re tired with a loved one is tough. People will be less prone to making any sweeping changes. And in general, humans are creatures of habit. When I work with my clients and we’re exploring potential strategies to implement, I offer opportunities for experimentation - "let’s try x for 2 weeks and see how it goes?" It’s a less threatening choice than a final solution. Try this with your partner - “hey, how about we try lowering the temperature in the bedroom down for the next week and see how you feel? “What if I got you these silicone earplugs to try for a few nights? If they don’t work, we’ll explore other options.”
Sleep issues can be tricky and further compounded by a bed partner’s habits and behaviours but if you work collaboratively with your partner taking a team approach, there are so many benefits to be gained in your relationship.
